Children at Work

In an effort to eliminate distractions at work I'm thinking about instituting the following policy regarding children at work. There are also some other things I think i should address. This could be a memo that I wish i could send out to certain peoples, including the one sitting 15 feet away from me YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Dear staff, January 28, 2003

In an effort to eliminate distractions in the work place, specifically for the director, the following policy will go in to effect immediately! Starting today, your children will not be allowed to accompany you to work. Your children are prohibited from stopping by for "unexpected visits" during work hours. Your children are prohibited from calling you during work hours. Your spawn are prohibited from calling you ON THE OFFICE PHONE during work hours. Your children can not use the director's computer for anything because I'm afraid they'll get gum on the keyboard AGAIN and the last time the little shits used it the space bar "magically" popped off. (NO ONE IS ALLOWED AT MY DESK BUT ME)

If your children somehow magically appear at work without prior notification I will be forced to escort them in to our storage room where they will be locked in until such time as you are able to go home AND TAKE THEM WITH YOU. If you're planning your daughters birthday party, and she throws a bitch fit because "you're totally ruining her life" and she goes storming out of the building, she may not stomp off and slam the door behind her, causing MY bulletin board to fall from the wall. Furthermore, I will no longer allow cell phones at work. They are a distraction and this morning you spent (not kidding) 3 hours on it talking to everyone and their neighbor about God knows what.

You, as a valued member of our staff, are allowed an hour for lunch at 2 half hour breaks, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE TAKE THESE BREAKS SO I CAN HAVE SOME TIME ALONE IN THE QUIET. You are expected to arrive at 8:00 am Monday through Fridays (not 7 am) and work until at least 4:00 pm (not leaving at 3) Office products are to be used for OFFICE USE ONLY, do not take a whole ream of paper home and not expect me to notice. Do not take the Director's nice stapler on his desk and replace it with the crappy, jam-prone stapler from your desk. See that new 3-hole paper punch behind me on my other desk? Thats for my use only, dont let your kids use it to make a mess and then drop it on the floor. Office copiers, fax machines, and printers (and by extension the ink and toner in them) are, again, for office use. Dont make scrapbooks from our supplies, dont be wasteful and print off 100 pages of a document that you didnt want any way. Those marker boards in our office and across the hall in the classroom are for staff use only and for instructional use only. Your kids shall not use these boards to play hangman and write words like Fuck Shit and bastard that can't be erased very well.

Remember that I am the director, I pretty much can do anything I want any time I want. If I want to work from home today and still claim hours, I can, this isn't an option for staff (except for the assistant director). If I want to take 2 hours lunch break, thats my prerogative. If I want to have everyone wear blue on mondays or pink polos on thursdays, I can. If I want to change the arrangement of our office, I can. if I want to come in at 9 am every day then I have that right. Above all else, know this, and do not for get this, that I can fire you at will at any time for any thing. I do not need a reason. I hope that this policy can be followed at all times. We must continue to work together as a team to... why bother anymore, YA'LL CAN GO TO HELL!

Sincere Thanks,
Injum Jim

Now that I got that out of my system I feel better. And for your information, all of the stuff in my dream memo happened at some point. I'm really not a dick, its just that when you sit in the same office with the same person day in and day out any little thing starts to bug you and when the whole day seems to bug the hell outta you its mind numbing and tedious to continue to sit here and keep it all in. My superbowl plans, stay at home, watch the tv, check out all the commercials and then go to bed.

Thats all folks!
Later
Injum Jim & the Drumsticks (my fictitious band name)